The Killers: The Movie
15th June 2005
By Mike Sterry.
In Vegas, no-one can hear you scream
You wouldn't think it to look at him, but Brandon Flowers is planning a murder.
To call it premeditated would be something of an understatement. He has a
victim, a motive, and a means of disposing of the corpse. He even plans on
filming it, the kinky shit. But how are we privy to such career-capsizing
information, and perhaps more importantly, why the fuck haven't we reported him
to the proper authorities?
Well, firstly, all the information we have, he's told us in song. And secondly,
it's not a real murder. It's a fake murder. Having just received the go-ahead
from their label Island Records, The Killers' highly anticipated 25-minute
Murder Trilogy mini-movie finally looks set to be made.
Y'see, The Killers have been bandying about the prospect of a long-form video in
interviews for some time now, but what with the twin responsibilities of touring
and getting fitted for ill-advised pink formalwear pulling them every which way,
it seemed The Murder Trilogy had falled by the wayside. Wrong! Follow us,
if you will, into the dark (but still resolutely neon-lit) world of The Killers'
The Story So Far
The Murder Trilogy is based on three Killers songs: 'Midnight Show', 'Jenny Was
A Friend Of Mine' and the unreleased, rare-as-hell 'Leave The Bourbon On The
Shelf' - and not Brandon's secret desire to garrotte prostitutes. As any
hardcore fan will tell you, 'Leave The Bourbon On The Shelf' is the holy grail
when it comes to unreleased Killers material. Played only a few times in their
early live shows, and passed over when it came time to commit 'Hot Fuss' to
tape, 'LTBOTS' (to use the common fancronym) is the first part of the Murder
Trilogy that tells the tale of a break-up gone horribly, horribly, wrong.
Confused? You needn't be, for the plot boils down into the following: Boy meets
girl (in 'LTBOTS', presumably). Boy 'murders' girl ("There was water involved,"
Brandon explains, "although he didn't drown her,") and disposes of the body
("Midnight Show"). Boy protests innocence after the murder ("Jenny...").
Honestly, have a peep at the lyrics. It's all there. The movie is designed to
bridge the gap between now and album number two (tentatively penciled in for
next spring) with shooting to begin before Christmas. But who's involved?
The shoo-in: Mischa Barton
Surely, having done their time as the token hip act on The OC, Flowers
and friends could call in a favour? Odds: 33/1
The understudy: Paris Hilton
Seeing as how her death in House Of Wax drew a standing ovation at the US
premiere, who better suited to violent death than the perma-tanned
heiress/actress/porn star? Paris Hilton being strangled. Poetry in motion. Odds:
The rank outsider: Kelly Osbourne
Just imagine: the killer, having just tossed 'Jenny' into the ocean, frantically
tries to load her down with rocks because, annoyingly, she just won't sink.
The shoo-in: James Spader
When it comes to casting the killer, Flowers is quite specific, telling
MTV.com: "Whenever I see it in my head, I see James Spader killing this
girl." Star of Crash and Secretary (in which he had the enviable
task of turning Maggie Gyllenhaal's arse into spank-pudding), Spader has seedy,
illicit sex written all over him. Odds: 3/1
The understudy: Rob Lowe
If you want that authentic pervert look, who better is there than convicted sex
criminal Lowe? Honestly, though, she did look 18. Odds: 14/1
The rank outsider: The League Of Gentleman's Papa Lazarou
Admit it - you'd love to see it. Odds: 1,000/1
The possible directors
The shoo-in: Anton Corbijin
Having just directed the promo for the US release of 'All These Things That I've
Done', Corbijin, the brains behind the likes of Nirvana's 'Heart Shaped Box'
video, is the safe, actually-grounded-somewhat-in-reality bet. Odds: 10/1
The perfect match: David Lynch
Were Lynch to have his way, Jenny would be scrapped in favour of Lynch-favourite
Kyle McLachlan, while the role of the killer is given to a dwarf in boat shoes
and a flaming pink blazer, who mutters the chorus of 'Midnight Show' backwards
for 10 hours. Odds: 400/1
The rank outsider: Michael Moore
Though this tub of liberal lard may have had a hand in promos for Rage Against
The Machine and SOAD, The Killers would no doubt be wary of Moore turning The
Murder Trilogy into an exploitation spectacular, with Jenny recast as 'Juanita':
poor Mexican maquiladora-worker and sometimes-prostitute, murdered in cold blood
by a band of CIA funded cartel thugs. Odds: 1000/1